Devotions for June, Entry 5 {grow}

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. Psalm 51:17

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Many of my patients were farmers or farmer’s wives. They know everything about farming. I know nothing about farming. One thing I have learned is that the weather in farming is the big gamble. Everything depends upon the weather.

I was in a session a few weeks back, on a particularly bad day, and I was having one of these conversations about the weather and farming. The patient noted that the sun was nice but if it didn’t rain soon the crops would dry up. And I said in reply, “I guess crops need both rain and sunshine to grow.” “Yep, that’s right,” said my patient.

The problem with having bad days is I feel bad for having bad days. This, my friends, is called being an INFJ. I think to myself – I have a job, and it’s a job I love. I have all the things I need to live, I have a great family, a wonderful boyfriend, awesome friends…why am I sad? But you know…LIFE. That’s what. Life happens and sometimes I just can’t get happy.

I mentioned in my first post of these devotions that this month is going to be hard. Well, the truth is, last month was REALLY hard. My job got really crazy for a number of reasons and is just starting to even out. I had a lot of bad days last month. Sad days. Lonely days. And I wouldn’t validate myself. I wouldn’t let myself be okay with having bad days. I felt like there was something wrong with me.

And then I had that conversation with my patient. Only God could give me His wisdom out of my own mouth while talking to a patient. I caught that sentence when I said it. And I finally gave myself permission to have a bad day.

I still struggle with it though. Just the other day, my boyfriend texted me and asked me how my day had been. And I was afraid to tell him because it had been another bad day, and I didn’t want him to think there was something wrong with me. But I went ahead and told him all the reasons it had been bad. He replied saying that his love isn’t based on whether or not I have more bad days than good ones, he loves me for who I am. (Keeper.)

Brokenness isn’t failure. Brokenness is part of growing. I once heard in a sermon that the broken parts of you are where the light shines through. God wants our brokenness. He wants our contrite hearts. Because that’s where the growing starts. The good days are great, but the bad days have a purpose. After all, you need both sunshine and rain to grow.

p.s. I had a good day yesterday.

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