All In?

God is funny.

My church just had an awesome leadership retreat.  The theme was “All In”.  It focused on how you need to be all in to advance God’s kingdom.  All in with your time, resources, gifts, and relationships.  It was inspiring and convicting. One area where I feel like I haven’t been all in is my 9-5 job.  Well, it’s actually a 7:45-5 job, so I’m definitely all in when it comes to time.  It’s a very generic type job (anyone could do it) and it gets pretty monotonous, not to mention it’s customer service.  It’s hard for me to get motivated about my job.  (Having endless piano lessons through a barricade of DC traffic every night after work doesn’t help my mood either.)  End pity party.

I knew coming back to work after the leadership retreat would be difficult.  I would want to keep the “all in” focus coming out of the weekend, but knew that I would fail and revert back to my old ways.  This was the case the first day or so.  But then I had my performance review.  It was good overall, but the biggest thing my boss wanted me to improve on was “owning” my position.  I’ve been slowly transitioning up but have been timid about some of my roles.  These roles include having to talk to people about things like paying us their money.  Being an introvert and someone who avoids uncomfortable situations – this is the last thing I want to “own”.  I would rank my love of this task up there with getting shots.  I want to please my boss, and God of course, so I took on a new attitude about my job.  I want to do my best.

It was exciting and miserable at the same time – exciting because I realized that God was providing for me the exact scenario in which I would need to go all in (which was encouraging and cool in a way that I know He’s watching me and wants me to grow).  It was miserable because I realized that I was in a scenario in which I would need to go all in.

Also, case-in-point?  I’m at work on a Friday night at 6:20 pm because there is stuff at work that I need to finish.  And I’m giving up my Friday night to do it.  I’m sitting here waiting for a ginormous file to upload.  All. In. Sigh.

The thing about going all in is it’s fun and awesome and energizing…when it’s for something you love.  I love music – I can go all in for that, easy.  I love sleeping – easy peasy.  Going all in so I can setup someone’s new office (on a Friday night)?  Not getting an adrenaline rush from that.  But that’s the thing – if you go all in for only stuff that’s easy or that you like, you won’t grow.  In fact, I’m guessing the situation will turn into one of pride, it often does with me.

So I’m sitting here, laughing to myself.  I can’t hide from God.  But really, I’m so incredibly thankful He cares.

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